 Becoming Self-ful: Assertive Communications at WorkPublished Date: 2010-01-22 07:01:46 WorkOnInternet.com
The most important issues in life are about needing or not needing the people we work with. It is about confronting, assuming, standing ones ground and, most of all, about courage. It is about choosing. We have to choose between telling the truth to someone who needs to hear it, or keeping the truth tucked away and unsaid. We must choose between being comfortable and safe, or risking discomfort and even the loss of some of our perceived popularity. We also choose every day, between our hot-button responses. You can take this job and shove it or the appropriate response suited to our long-term purpose. Patience and Hot Buttons Maturity is a measurement of patience: how long you can put off immediate gratification. We all know that you must put off a hot-button response I am just sure does it look like I have four hands for a long-term result. Being patient involves self-confidence. There are three different behaviors to choose from: Selfish Since that time long ago when we whiningly started a sentence with I want and our mother called us selfish, we have been fighting that label. We have gotten it confused with aggressive, pushy worse terms when applied to women. Selfless This is the non-assertive person who avoids conflict, at all costs. They wimp out of calmly expressing needs and wants. This person is not confident of their rights as a human being. Some of these rights are: to be treated with respect; to be listened to and taken seriously; to have and express feelings and opinions; to ask for what you want and to get what you pay for how many of us have paid for a bad haircut and given a tip. When we act selfless, we become a natural victim for every aggressor. They ignore our subtle signals of martyrdom and attend to their own priorities at our expense. People who ask, Got a minute end up taking half an hour because we wimp out of saying no. Self-ful This is a word I created. It does not mean full of yourself. It stands for a person confident enough of their rights to be assertive: to ask for what they need and want without hurting other people. This takes skill and practice. It is the art of saying no to people and having them thank you for it. Do not think it is possible. Assertive, self-ful people use a three-step action method. Here is an example Tom knocks on top of your cubicle partition, leans in, and asks, Got a minute? Instead of glancing at your watch and saying, okay with a martyred sigh, you look up and analyze the request. You see his lower lip trembling and his eyes filling with tears. You know he wants to talk about his divorce again and you have a report to finish. You recognize this will not be a 60-second interruption, no matter what he said. You resist the reflexive hot buttons response In your dreams pal because you depend on Tom in your job. A rapport with him is a priority for you. Take the following three steps. Acknowledge Use six-second empathy to tell him you understand how he feels and what he wants. Tom, you look upset it looks like you need to talk. This calms him because now he does not have to work to make you understand. You have said, in essence, I understand your priority and it is important. Advise Let him know your priority calmly, self-fully. You start out, Tom, here is the situation. I have a report to finish for the boss, and it is due in half an hour. You have understood his need, and now you are asking him to understand yours. Many people, when told of your priority, will back off. But not Tom. That is why there is a third step. Accept or Alter Accept the interruption with time limits I can give you five minutes or suggest an alternative or option. I will come to your cubicle when I have finished the report. What about the Boss? With peers, you have the alter option. Tom will actually thank you and go away happy. With the boss, your best option is almost always to accept. The bosses priorities are your priorities. It is in the job description. However, do not leave out the second step. Always advise the boss of your activities and priorities. Sometimes you are keeping them informed and they are grateful. And sometimes they want you to do it all anyway. This is when negotiation comes into play. But never skip step two. That is the Self-ful Step. Being self-ful allows you to speak up and say what is important to you. It even allows you to correct the boss when you notice an error. Better sooner than later. Remember bosses hate surprises. ------------------------------ Mimi is a professional cheerleader who empowers and assists people in realizing their full human potential. A renowned speaker, trainer and author, she is enlightened Fortune 500 companies for more than 20 years, energizing people on stress reduction, time management, leadership, communication. She co-authored Bless Your Stress: It Means You Are Still Alive! and Negotiating for Dummies. http://www.mimidonaldson.com 310.557.0229
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